My eyes! My eyes!

I'm not sure if any of you have seen the extremely revolting and NSFW nudie photos of Danielle Staub- I'm sorry I did. They're linked all over the internet and trust me, I did you a favor by not showing the ones of her "O" face. They're gnarly. And she leaked them herself! Proof this broad is extremely delusional.




I'm over Danielle. She is a fast and furious crazy train with no destination in sight, she just keeps on going.

I can feel myself getting dumber every minute that passes as I watch this garbage. I feel like I have to read Middlemarch or Finnegans Wake to counteract the stupidity I have endured while sitting on the couch, mouth agape, wondering how it's possible this haggard lady truly believe the bile she spews.

You could ask me why I watch this stuff but I don't have a good reply for you. I'd rather take the physical challenge and attempt to root through your peanut butter filled nostrils for a flag while I try to win an all expense paid trip to Disney World.

Also, I am convinced the producers of these shows get off on grossing the audience out.



It reminds me of my health teacher in high school and the satisfied look she would get on her face when she would show us girls pictures of scabies infested dicks as a means to scare us away from having sex.

So last night we saw the conclusion to Dina Manzo & Danielle's cat fight in Chakra. It ended with shouting, finger pointing, and Dina muttering "Fuck you you stupid crazy bitch," under her breath as she left the restaurant. As a local Jersey girl, I can assure you this goodbye is the norm around here. Nothing shocking here.



Then we saw Danielle pull out her mother goose bifocals as she read an email Dina sent her to her 'friends' who hang on to every word. And why shouldn't they? Danielle's interpretation of the events at Chakra are....interesting to say the least. For one, they're nothing like what we, the viewers who witnessed it with our own eyes, saw transpire. And two, Danielle recounts the event as though she has a soliloquy in community theater. Dramatic pauses, hand motions, blurting out, "Yes! With the hands!" in reference to her hand motions, and she gives Dina a fake Madonna british accent. Seriously.






NOW we get to see Danielle find her sexy side. See, her ex boyfriend Steve, the balding dough boy who claimed to be 26 who looked 46, allegedly stole her confidence when they broke up. So instead of getting a haircut and new lipgloss, or new jeans they way most girls do when they want to feel sexy, Danielle decides to empower women by showing them how she works a pole.



"Always engage...then suggest...."

That's probably a useful tip to any budding stripper but coming from Danielle, it's just nauseating. It doesn't help her that she sounds like she has marshmallows lodged in her throat.



Speaking of being lodged in Danielle's throat, why is this geezer on every episode? At first I didn't care about him one way or the other but I hope he is benefiting from Danielle's bullshit and hanging out with her is paying off for him somehow. He threw dollar bills at her, for christ sake, when she needed a confidence boost. He stood by her side in case Dina or Chris Manzo attempted to murder Danielle in public while being filmed for national television audiences too.



Then we cut to Danielle in a Tweety bird voice say that when she was dancing, she got $20, $50, and $100 bills thrown at her, not singles. Right, because the porn and stripper world is the one place in the last two decades inflation works backwards. I thought when Grandma was dancing, valuable currency in this country were exotic spices and beans. I'll have to consult my civics textbook from third grade.


Next week, the show has a doctor referring to Danielle's "square tit" as a "deformity" and the camera shows a heaping eyeful of underboob.

I don't know how much more I can take.

Phoebe Buffay said it best.

My Religion Is You

This Gaga song was recorded for The Fame Monster and was omitted from the LP, apparently Teeth replaced it (???) and it was recently leaked...




Rodney 'Dorkchild' Jerkins produced it. I think it could have been a hit, and why it was scrapped over Teeth is beyond me.

Gosh, I hope Michael Bay is reading this!

Heidi Montag apparently filed for legal separation today in L.A.

My first thought when I saw this picture was...



People still wear black Uggs?

Nice aviator style sunglasses, Heidi! They convey the privacy you so yearn for. Don't worry, nobody thinks you called the paparazzi yourself on your way to the court house, really. There there..


Wow, this photo op seems to be every paparazzo's dream come true. I mean, here was Heidi Montag just sitting next to a little pond, looking sad and confused, trying to make sense of her scattered thoughts about her destructive marriage when a photographer happened to find her and capture the moment for the entire world to see.



People still wear velour running suits? Wait! You think these pictures are suspicious, maybe even staged? You don't think they're actually "candid"? Surely you jest!



Gosh Jen, I don't know what to do. I've never been more confused in my whole life...




Jen Bunney touches Heidi's arm gently and says:
Heidi, I am here for you. You can always count on me...

Rumor has it this is all a stunt to promote Heidi & Jen Bunney's desperate reality show (shocker!) which so help me God I will not watch.

Heidi is a train wreck I love to make fun of, but yuck. I have never liked that skank Jen Bunney.

New Gaga

So finally the Alejandro video was released:




I love it, I like it better than Telephone. Telephone was clever but a little too campy for my taste. Anyway I don't know jack shit about art or anything, but I think Lady Gaga is an artist and for once, it's nice to understand the inspiration behind her work. I mean, I know it's not a coincidence there is a barbed wire wrapped heart with a nail driven through it on a pillow in the beginning of the video. That is directly influenced by The Real World London's Neil and the valentine he got from his then-girlfriend Chrys.

I even remember Portishead's "Sour Times" was the song during that segment.


I'm not the only person who remembers that, right?


I keep looking for a video clip of it online but youtube is worthless. Now I'm reobsessed with Neil from The Real World London.

Here is his amusing website.

Lesbian Sex On "The Real L Word" Show Won't Be "Trashy"

Oh thank the baby Jeezus! The last thing I'd want to see on The L Word is trashy hot lesbian sex!



So on June 20th Showtime is airing Ilene Chaiken's new series The Real L Word. I watched a snippit of it on Showtime and apparently it's going to be a reality show about the girls who inspired the characters on The L Word. My first thought when I discovered this was "There is a girl in the world who is based on Shane?!"

::head explodes::

Then after seeing a clip online and examining the poster for the butchest looking lady, I furrowed my brow, crinkled my nose, and deduced rather unremarkably that this little girl:



Is the inspiration behind this:



Shane McCutcheon. The androgynous gender bending love of my life. It does not make any sense.

....Anyway. The New York Times says the first few episodes of the reality L Word spinoff are surprisingly chaste. Ilene Chaiken says, "I didn't want to put forward a bunch of trashy lesbians."

The Times goes on to say:

"It didn't make sense to me to cast women who were only comfortable doing the show if we could show them having explicit sex," said Robert Greenblatt, Showtime's president for entertainment. Ms. Chaiken confirmed that Mr. Greenblatt never sought assurances of prurience. "There was never a conversation about, ‘Can you promise me someones going to have sex on camera, or use this word, or get involved in this kind of activity?' " She promises that as the series progresses, the women get more comfortable having sex on-screen."

Okay, great, so um, basically what you're trying to say is that we shouldn't expect sex on camera, BUT, we'll see sex on camera.

Whatever, I'll be watching it regardless.

But if that little oaf is the Shane character, it'll blow my mind.