Pillsbury Dough Face

There are exactly two things I like about John Mayer.

1. Reading interviews he has done or quotes he has quipped that validate my humble opinion that he is a raging dickwad.

2. His guitar face.



I have never liked John Mayer. I remember when "I wanna run through the halls of my high school, I wanna scream at the toppa my lungs!" came out and I thought it would be the pop song of the summer that adult contemporary fans would love. You know, a song along par with "Breathless" by the Corrs. "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis. Or something edgy, like "Clocks" by Coldplay! I figured he'd be a one hit wonder, at best, and that would be that.

Then that atrocity "Your Body Is A Wonderland" came out and all bets were off. My revolting roommate at the time who was a raging slut loved this song, and would play it every weekend while she reminisced about the last random dong she had taken inside of her. So that's one thing. The other is the lyric "your bubblegum tongue." I'm a very visual person, and I tend to see imagery in a very cartoonish style at times, so imagining John Mayer chewing on my slutty roommates tongue like a wad of Hubba Bubba grossed me out, to put it mildly.



So his first record comes out, we get the class reunion song, bubble gum tongue song, and maybe one other single on the charts and it's decidedd: this dough boy is the king of easy listening. No big deal. A lot of musicians make a decent living this way. Barry Manilow, for example. Or Peabo Bryson.

But NOOOO! John Mayer now has to tell the world incessently from that point on in 2002 until about 5 minutes ago that's not his deal. That's not his sound. This man is a blues guitarist! He swears to God!!

I ponder this and I wonder about those other people from the celebrity past who has insisted to be known as one thing when we, their public, know them as what they really are.

Perfect example: Jennifer Love Hewitt.



How many articles did you read on her in the late 90's or early 00's where she'd swear that people only referred to her as "Love?" I can think of several dozen. The journalist would be like, "We met up with Jennifer Love Hewitt inside the lobby of the Chateau Marmont (but really, those closest to her refer to her as only Love)..." and seriously? No they did not. This was a poorly executed publicity thing where you know Jenny's agent was confirming an interview with Sassy or something and saying that her rider included diet coke, sun chips, and a mention in the article to please please please call her Love.

I'm not buying it!

Another example: Puff Daddy.



First he was Puff Daddy, and to his friends, Puff. Then he was on trial for attempted murder and J Lo dumped him, and to make the public forget that he somehow got off without a scratch while Shyne took the heat for him, he changes his nickname to P. Diddy. He claims it's because that is what Biggie called him, but hello? Nobody asked you where the origin of the nickname came from, we merely wondered why you changed it. It's not going to make us forget you were on trial for attempted murder.

Then he switched it to Diddy. How do I know this? I think he held a press conference about it or something. Or he made an announcement before an episode of Making The Band, I'm not sure. Anyway. You're name is Sean Combs. Stick with that, it's the nicest sounding name of all.




John Mayer decided to show us all that he was a heavy rock 'n roller with his second album so he cleverly named it Heavier Things. Singles included "Bigger Than My Body" which is a dorky song to say the least and "Daughters" which is a ballad about birthing babies. Heavy.

It was about this time around that the John Mayer Is A Cheeseball backlash began. I would hear all these people, fans of Mayer, argue that he is really not a pop star. He is really a blues guitarist. And allegedly a really good one. And for a second I believed it, in fact I almost left an FYE with a John Mayer LP because the guy who worked there helped me find a Pet Shop Boys import which led to a really smart discussion about new wave bands I'd never heard of and wanted to download when I got home was a JM fan and he almost convinced me to buy Heavier Things. Almost. Sorry for that run on sentence. Onward.

Then I start reading John Mayer articles and I see the same thing I saw with Jenny Love; the writer always bringing up how the dude is a balls out thrashing riffing rip roaring blues guitarist.

His third record gives us the single "Waiting on the World to Change" which won a Grammy for Best Male Pop Vocalist. Quite petulantly I rest my case.

Then he disappeared for awhile, and started dating Jessica Simpson Sexual Napalm and hanging out with Pete Wentz and he emerged with Travis Barker style full sleeve tattoos and Tyler Durden hair. It was then my dislike turned in to downright loathing, but two things very quickly made all the animosity go away. One was the preposterous things he said in interviews. I didn't read the Playboy one, but the Rolling Stone article was enough to make me want to choke him sadistically.

The second of course, are his guitar faces.

My eyes! My eyes!

I'm not sure if any of you have seen the extremely revolting and NSFW nudie photos of Danielle Staub- I'm sorry I did. They're linked all over the internet and trust me, I did you a favor by not showing the ones of her "O" face. They're gnarly. And she leaked them herself! Proof this broad is extremely delusional.




I'm over Danielle. She is a fast and furious crazy train with no destination in sight, she just keeps on going.

I can feel myself getting dumber every minute that passes as I watch this garbage. I feel like I have to read Middlemarch or Finnegans Wake to counteract the stupidity I have endured while sitting on the couch, mouth agape, wondering how it's possible this haggard lady truly believe the bile she spews.

You could ask me why I watch this stuff but I don't have a good reply for you. I'd rather take the physical challenge and attempt to root through your peanut butter filled nostrils for a flag while I try to win an all expense paid trip to Disney World.

Also, I am convinced the producers of these shows get off on grossing the audience out.



It reminds me of my health teacher in high school and the satisfied look she would get on her face when she would show us girls pictures of scabies infested dicks as a means to scare us away from having sex.

So last night we saw the conclusion to Dina Manzo & Danielle's cat fight in Chakra. It ended with shouting, finger pointing, and Dina muttering "Fuck you you stupid crazy bitch," under her breath as she left the restaurant. As a local Jersey girl, I can assure you this goodbye is the norm around here. Nothing shocking here.



Then we saw Danielle pull out her mother goose bifocals as she read an email Dina sent her to her 'friends' who hang on to every word. And why shouldn't they? Danielle's interpretation of the events at Chakra are....interesting to say the least. For one, they're nothing like what we, the viewers who witnessed it with our own eyes, saw transpire. And two, Danielle recounts the event as though she has a soliloquy in community theater. Dramatic pauses, hand motions, blurting out, "Yes! With the hands!" in reference to her hand motions, and she gives Dina a fake Madonna british accent. Seriously.






NOW we get to see Danielle find her sexy side. See, her ex boyfriend Steve, the balding dough boy who claimed to be 26 who looked 46, allegedly stole her confidence when they broke up. So instead of getting a haircut and new lipgloss, or new jeans they way most girls do when they want to feel sexy, Danielle decides to empower women by showing them how she works a pole.



"Always engage...then suggest...."

That's probably a useful tip to any budding stripper but coming from Danielle, it's just nauseating. It doesn't help her that she sounds like she has marshmallows lodged in her throat.



Speaking of being lodged in Danielle's throat, why is this geezer on every episode? At first I didn't care about him one way or the other but I hope he is benefiting from Danielle's bullshit and hanging out with her is paying off for him somehow. He threw dollar bills at her, for christ sake, when she needed a confidence boost. He stood by her side in case Dina or Chris Manzo attempted to murder Danielle in public while being filmed for national television audiences too.



Then we cut to Danielle in a Tweety bird voice say that when she was dancing, she got $20, $50, and $100 bills thrown at her, not singles. Right, because the porn and stripper world is the one place in the last two decades inflation works backwards. I thought when Grandma was dancing, valuable currency in this country were exotic spices and beans. I'll have to consult my civics textbook from third grade.


Next week, the show has a doctor referring to Danielle's "square tit" as a "deformity" and the camera shows a heaping eyeful of underboob.

I don't know how much more I can take.

Phoebe Buffay said it best.

Gosh, I hope Michael Bay is reading this!

Heidi Montag apparently filed for legal separation today in L.A.

My first thought when I saw this picture was...



People still wear black Uggs?

Nice aviator style sunglasses, Heidi! They convey the privacy you so yearn for. Don't worry, nobody thinks you called the paparazzi yourself on your way to the court house, really. There there..


Wow, this photo op seems to be every paparazzo's dream come true. I mean, here was Heidi Montag just sitting next to a little pond, looking sad and confused, trying to make sense of her scattered thoughts about her destructive marriage when a photographer happened to find her and capture the moment for the entire world to see.



People still wear velour running suits? Wait! You think these pictures are suspicious, maybe even staged? You don't think they're actually "candid"? Surely you jest!



Gosh Jen, I don't know what to do. I've never been more confused in my whole life...




Jen Bunney touches Heidi's arm gently and says:
Heidi, I am here for you. You can always count on me...

Rumor has it this is all a stunt to promote Heidi & Jen Bunney's desperate reality show (shocker!) which so help me God I will not watch.

Heidi is a train wreck I love to make fun of, but yuck. I have never liked that skank Jen Bunney.

Somebody is very mad at Kobe

I can't stop looking at these incredible pictures of Kobe Bryant! They make no sense and yet I am plagued with questions!



Who the heck did Kobe piss off? Was it just the stylist that day or is there something deeper here? Was he trying to channel Grace Jones or was that accidental?



Oh, but there is more....






My theory is that whoever produced the initial photo shoot was avenging the alleged rape of Aunt Grace:

Ol' Fiddle Face

I really want to like Treme, but Fiddle Face is making it difficult for me:



That face she makes when she plays is hard to look at. I know I am being melodramatic but seriously, I look away when she is writhing with her fiddle and bow. Or flip side, I can't avert my gaze and then I cringe at her facial expressions.

Initially I thought she was making the face because she was pretending to play her violin and that was her way of acting like a musician. Then I read that the actress who plays Annie the fiddler player, Lucia Micarelli, is a trained concert violinist. So I stand corrected.

I'll continue to watch Treme, though. Last night marked the sixth episode of the premiere season, and the shows intricate story lines are picking up. Last week, when the police officer that Toni was confronting about Antoine's stolen trombone, he said, "the wheels are off the cart...and the crime is coming back and we ain't ready. But you want to talk about a trombone." Toni's face after absorbing his comment said it all: things are about to get grimy.

I don't read any spoilers for Treme so I'm not sure what is on the horizon for Annie, but knowing Treme's creator David Simon and his affinity for getting r id of well liked characters on The Wire, I think her future is grim. Last night's episode where her boyfriend slapped her reinforced my opinion about this, but it's just a guess.

This site breaks down and explains the idiosyncrasies and local inside expressions and references regarding New Orleans and the show Treme. Once again David Simon weaves a tight and cohesive story, and that's no surprise at all.