You Jeepin' Behind My Back?

A note from the author (that'd be me)....

I exaggerate. Not about everything. Mostly I exaggerate about determining a sum of a specific thing. For instance when I am telling a story to a friend about something that happened several weeks earlier, I'll say it happened "a few days ago." No big deal.



The reason I bring this up now is because I feel like this post needs a disclaimer of some sort. When Clueless came out, I was sixteen years old. I loved it before I ever saw it in the theaters, the nonstop commercials and MTV promos were funny & cute, and I couldn't wait to see it. One of my best friends at the time was equally obsessed and we watched the movie constantly, picking it apart and dissecting the time line, story, and characters like we were trying to figure out Mulholland Drive or something...never mind that Mulholland Drive hadn't come out yet. But you get my point. We found many discrepancies with the movie and would call each other and shout them to one another, like we'd discovered the identity of the third murderer in Macbeth.




The discrepancies in Clueless have always stuck with me, but I never put much thought in to them until I started this blog. I thought I could maybe talk about the time line flubs and it'd be kinda cool, maybe. This is a frightening example of how out of touch with reality I am since I have been unemployed for so long. I assume the rest of the world watches as much TV as I do, and when I start referring to Clueless characters by their first and last names in conversation as though I know them personally, I get to be amazed and snapped back to the real world when other people didn't know that, too. Like, I'll say no, Dionne Davenport is not that HR lady I met with for an interview, she's Cher's best friend in Clueless. You didn't know that, duh?

I used to think the flubs in the film were extensive, but I now realize they're not since I have documented them for this post. But when I mentioned blogging this topic, two people encouraged me to do so because the topic interested them too (kindred spirits! Kim & Caitlin!) and I got giddy by the requests. I started this blog for fun, but I am not ashamed to admit I have become rabid for readers. If I have a request to blog Clueless, I'm gonna fucking do it! Nobody can do it better than me anyway. But I originally thought the chronological time line had "several dozen" discrepancies. This is not true, again I exaggerated. I counted twelve. And let's be honest, the topic is Clueless. It's not inspiring my best writing, but as Cher would say carpe diem... here goes.





The first major blunder occurs about six minutes in to the movie. We've been introduced to Cher, Dionne, Travis, Cher's dad, and Murray. Cher's debate teacher, Mr. Hall, decides to randomly distribute report cards. This isn't so odd, unless you consider your debate teacher as opposed to your homeroom teacher handing out a report card odd, which, I do. I assume the movie starts mid-November (since Cher later takes Tai to the Val party around Christmas time and at that time they'd been friends a few weeks) but here's what gets me. Mr. Hall asks if there is a Christian Stovitz in his class....um, wouldn't you know? It's your class, do you take attendance? And since Cher clears up he is not there that semester, why the hell does Christian have a report card?!

By the way, this is as mind blowing as my found-errors get, so if you're unimpressed now, prepare to remain disappointed.

Oh & why does Cher's last name on her report card say Hamilton? Her last name is Horowitz!




Then we meet Josh, played by Paul Rudd. He is Cher's stepbrother. This means they have no blood relation, in case you're retarded.

Here's what I don't get. John infers that Cher's dad, Mel, is the third man to marry his mom. Then, he says that "just because my mom marries someone else doesn't make him my dad," in reference to his moms new man, his current step daddy. Cher retorts "actually that's exactly what it means," which I don't necessarily agree with....except in this case! Why is Mel Horowitz, who is clearly not Josh's biological father, treating him like a real son? He lets Josh live there when he isn't at the dorms, work at his law firm, spend holidays with family, he refers to Josh as Cher's brother...but he was a stepdad! If your mom marrying someone new doesn't make that person your dad, then Mel shouldn't be your go-to dad. That's all I'm saying.



A favorite dumb scene of mine occurs when Cher, Josh & Mel have dinner. All three of their cell phones ring, and they all answer them, and the call turns out to be for Mel. But Josh talks as though he has a call until he realizes it's a call on Mel's phone, and he looks dumbfounded.....

isn't this incredible?




Now, we're introduced to Tai.



It's a blur over the next few scenes/days over what is occurring when, especially since Cher and her friends wear multiple outfits in one day. On Tai's first day of school Cher suggests the make-over, and that's supposedly done after school. The next day, Cher, Dionne and Tai are walking through campus and noticing how everyone is responding to Tai's new look (Dionne claims to be "kvelling," which is Yiddish for "delighted"-- the one and only time this phrase has been used in pop culture) and the girls decide that they need to set Tai up with Elton. Cher plays match maker, naturally. It must be noted she is wearing black mary janes, knee socks, a brown mini skirt, a blue button down blouse, and a sweater vest. No purple* anywhere in this outfit.



Cue the photo taking scene. Tai looks goofy and Cher pulls her aside to take a solo shot of her, which Elton (Jeremy Sisto!) wants a copy of. Notice it's not a digital camera Cher is using...they've yet to be invented. This camera requires film which requires developing.

Oh! Also on this day the girls get a flyer from Travis for the Val party.


Cut to dinner at Cher's house. Dionne calls to say two things: they'll be attending the party in the Valley, and Elton has "a picture of Tai hanging in his locker." Cher whispers this to Tai and Tai freaks out. So lemme get this straight. After school Cher took pictures, had them developed, gave Elton a copy, and then Elton went back to school to hang it in his locker? And Murray saw it? Yeah I don't think so. And Cher and Tai act like, whoa, a picture, random! No not really girls. Remember these photos? You took them two hours ago:


Oh also, at dinner, Cher claims to have broken in her purple* clogs that day at school. With the brown skirt and blue blouse? No purple clogs were worn, this is false! You can't get anything past me!

Cut to the Val party.



Travis allegedly dumps a drink on Cher ("RUIN my satin shoes why don't you!") yet no liquid drops from the cups, the audience just hears a sound effect. Verrry tricky.

More scenes where Tai acts a fool...Brittney Murphy was so good in this movie.









By the way Cher are you that surprised Elton wanted to date you, or tried to kiss you? He's practically groping your boobie here because you got the class out of English homework. You're pretty clueless yourself, girl.





So, when Cher gets mugged, she calls Josh to come rescue her, and the directions she gives him is "Sun Valley." According to Google, Sun Valley is 15 square miles, yet Josh needs no actual directions, he just gets Cher without them. You may not have noticed that when you watched Clueless. But I sure as hell did.




Remember when Cher is getting reading to give Christian her V-Card? She calls Dionne over to create a lighting concept and pick wardrobe. Cher says she doesn't trust mirrors so she always takes polaroids. Why would she do that when she has a computer program to select outfits for her?




Then Cher has, and fails, her driving test. She isn't in the mood to discuss Tai's love life after that.



The biggest WTF moment happens here. Cher is repulsed at the thought of Tai becoming her sister-in-law, and Tai asks Cher what her deal is. Cher hastily says, "I had two mochaccinos today, I feel like ralphing..." and Tai responds with:

"I know exactly what you mean...the other day I was talkin' to Josh (when?! you two don't talk!!) and we were discussing the difference between high school girls and college girls...see, college girls where less make up on their face and that's why guys like 'em more," YEAH TAI I see how that correlates to feelings of queasiness after drinking two mochaccinos. I know the writers just wanted us to see Cher get jealous over a possible Tai-Josh coupling, but we're not dimwits. This makes less sense than the report card fiasco! As if.

"It's like, why am I even listening to you? You're a virgin who can't drive."



Cut to Cher realizing she is in butt crazy in love with Josh.




And then making out with him, probably boinking him too. This never ceases to amaze me with how gross that concept is.





The trailer for Clueless is disturbing, because half the scenes that are shown have the actors reciting lines with a different inflection in their voices then the tone they use to speak the lines in the final pressed cut of the film. But I assume only a spazz like me would notice.



Also, at 2:11 the trailer shows a scene that is NOT in the movie! I feel cheated!



I'll have to buy the DVD so I can see deleted scenes...

Thanks for reading!

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learneded to Stop Shit Talking and Ambivalently Tolerate Taylor Momsen

So the "surprise" face of Madonna & Lourdes Maria's clothing line, Material Girl, is Taylor Momsen. The hints that were dropped over who it would be were supposed to be um, well, hints, or something, but they were actually pretty blatant and obviously geared towards Momsen. WWD hinted the spokes model was "on a hit teen drama series and is known for her frayed, rocker-tinged style off-screen." Oh gee, that doesn't exactly scream Shanae Grimes, does it?

I think Madonna's camp was on point with this pr stunt. The whole Who's-That-Girl going to be scheme regarding Momsen's identity was probably cleverly calculated. Taylor Momsen gets more attention than most teenage celebs out there right now, and I think without the buzz of her being attached to the project, I don't think anyone would really care about Madonna's clothing line. I can't remember the last time her fashion sense was relevant. If I had to wager a guess I'd say her Blonde Ambition/Like A Virgin era was the last time she was styled well, and coincidentally that's the exact look Taylor Momsen emulates.

It's too bad Lourdes Maria isn't in the spotlight more. Madonna has her in check. Lourdes is adorable and pretty and could probably be a major starlet if she wasn't raised with these restrictions:

Above: the rules for child visitation rights Guy Richie must adhere to when his kids see him according to Madonna


Anyway, back to Momsen.




I read a lot of pop culture blogs/gossip websites and Taylor Momsen is pretty much hated by the readers who take the time to post comments about how much they can't stand her. I don't have a solid opinion of her, really. However, in three short seasons of Gossip Girl, her character of Jenny went from being the most awful little snot on the screen to the only person on the entire show I didn't want to kick repeatedly in the crotch, so she has that going for her. Also, popular criticism of her is that she smokes (gasp!) and dresses like a Cherie Currie/Courtney Love hybrid. The latter just annoys me. I firmly believe that if The Runaways hadn't just come out, 95% of blog commentators would have no clue who the hell Cherie Currie was. And since I have known who she was since I was 16, I feel more entitled than those people.



However, even though I get more annoyed by Taylor's haters than I do by Taylor, it's easy to pick on her when she is known for saying some really bonehead things during interviews... like this tidbit when asked about the earthquake in Haiti this past Januaray:

"Um, right now I’m trying to just finish my record and getting through the last season of Gossip Girl for right now. So not so much thinking about that."

Added Taylor, “But it’s awesome that everyone is ya know working towards a good cause.”


The next quote is actually one I agree with completely almost completely. Apparently Taylor doesn't like to be compared to Miley Cyrus:


"I’m not looking to be Miley fucking Cyrus. I don’t care about the fame. I do it because I love music. I like making records and if people like them, then we’ll go along for the ride. ... I’m not dissing Miley personally. However, I do think the Disney bubblegum shit that the world is living right now is pathetic. I thought we passed that repression. I don’t know Miley, but musically we’re different. To compare us because of our age is silly."

Oh Taylor. Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. Don't use big words you don't understand. Recording bubblegum top 40 pop music is hardly repression. And Miley is sort of doing her own thing these days to distance herself from the Disney image. Also, you'd sound more convincing and less like a little girl trying to sound mature if you didn't swear so much when the press is getting quotes from you. I couldn't care any less that you have the mouth of a drunken sailor, but it's pretty obvious thoughtless quotes like these fuel the fire of your haters.

Not that I think you even remotely care.




Usually when I see pictures of her, I think she looks good. But before I defend her slightly, I have one tangent I need to go off on...




These shoes. I don't hate them on her as much as I hate the fact that they exist. Stripper Chic is a style I will never get behind. The stripper shoe rage hit the runway last fall big time. Lanvin has plexiglass stripper shoes. Prada has plexiglass stripper heels. Fendi has them (holy hell, while searching for designer stripper heels I found these, and hello, I love them. Overt and over the top, yes, but I am a sucker for tulle) and I am sure a billion other designers has them. I find this laughable. I doubt any woman who would wear these would ever entertain the idea of actually becoming a stripper, but buying some cheap hooker heel from BeBe or the Jessica Simpson line from Victoria's Secret is not at all out of the question. These are the same kind of chicks who claim pole dancing is something they want to try because "it's great exercise." Uh, so is yoga, and yoga merely requires you to stretch and breathe simultaneously, not have a pole installed in your house.


I take it back. Taylor Momsen wearing stripper heels with crumpled up dollar bills in the "tips" toe annoys the shit out of me. She's 16 and she looks absolutely idiotic.



I don't agree with teenage celebrities developing a striper girl personae in order to segue in to adulthood, but I do understand being 17 and saying completely ridiculous things that I thought sounded provocative when I was growing up.

What I agree with even less is how she gets trashed so much on the internet. The most common insult hurled at her is that she is "trying to be different" when she isn't. Well, I dare you to find one quote of hers where she makes this claim. Not only that, there is nothing different about her look. Maybe if she dressed like a wench at a Renaissance Festival and was in to LARPing instead of fronting a rock bad, the whole "trying to be different" claim would make sense. But it doesn't, she's just a teenager who likes to dress like a ho. That's not so different than most little skags I see walking around New York City.

Taylor Momsen is 17. She may be a little wanna-be Courtney Love lookalike, she may say retarded things to the press, but she's a teenager. If there is any time she is supposed to be making mistakes and learning from them, it's now. Plus, she is legitimately making some pretty decent music. I don't expect celebrities to be saints because they're in the spotlight. I do think they should be talented in their craft though, and as far as singing goes, I think she does that really well.

Decide for yourselves...