Pillsbury Dough Face

There are exactly two things I like about John Mayer.

1. Reading interviews he has done or quotes he has quipped that validate my humble opinion that he is a raging dickwad.

2. His guitar face.



I have never liked John Mayer. I remember when "I wanna run through the halls of my high school, I wanna scream at the toppa my lungs!" came out and I thought it would be the pop song of the summer that adult contemporary fans would love. You know, a song along par with "Breathless" by the Corrs. "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis. Or something edgy, like "Clocks" by Coldplay! I figured he'd be a one hit wonder, at best, and that would be that.

Then that atrocity "Your Body Is A Wonderland" came out and all bets were off. My revolting roommate at the time who was a raging slut loved this song, and would play it every weekend while she reminisced about the last random dong she had taken inside of her. So that's one thing. The other is the lyric "your bubblegum tongue." I'm a very visual person, and I tend to see imagery in a very cartoonish style at times, so imagining John Mayer chewing on my slutty roommates tongue like a wad of Hubba Bubba grossed me out, to put it mildly.



So his first record comes out, we get the class reunion song, bubble gum tongue song, and maybe one other single on the charts and it's decidedd: this dough boy is the king of easy listening. No big deal. A lot of musicians make a decent living this way. Barry Manilow, for example. Or Peabo Bryson.

But NOOOO! John Mayer now has to tell the world incessently from that point on in 2002 until about 5 minutes ago that's not his deal. That's not his sound. This man is a blues guitarist! He swears to God!!

I ponder this and I wonder about those other people from the celebrity past who has insisted to be known as one thing when we, their public, know them as what they really are.

Perfect example: Jennifer Love Hewitt.



How many articles did you read on her in the late 90's or early 00's where she'd swear that people only referred to her as "Love?" I can think of several dozen. The journalist would be like, "We met up with Jennifer Love Hewitt inside the lobby of the Chateau Marmont (but really, those closest to her refer to her as only Love)..." and seriously? No they did not. This was a poorly executed publicity thing where you know Jenny's agent was confirming an interview with Sassy or something and saying that her rider included diet coke, sun chips, and a mention in the article to please please please call her Love.

I'm not buying it!

Another example: Puff Daddy.



First he was Puff Daddy, and to his friends, Puff. Then he was on trial for attempted murder and J Lo dumped him, and to make the public forget that he somehow got off without a scratch while Shyne took the heat for him, he changes his nickname to P. Diddy. He claims it's because that is what Biggie called him, but hello? Nobody asked you where the origin of the nickname came from, we merely wondered why you changed it. It's not going to make us forget you were on trial for attempted murder.

Then he switched it to Diddy. How do I know this? I think he held a press conference about it or something. Or he made an announcement before an episode of Making The Band, I'm not sure. Anyway. You're name is Sean Combs. Stick with that, it's the nicest sounding name of all.




John Mayer decided to show us all that he was a heavy rock 'n roller with his second album so he cleverly named it Heavier Things. Singles included "Bigger Than My Body" which is a dorky song to say the least and "Daughters" which is a ballad about birthing babies. Heavy.

It was about this time around that the John Mayer Is A Cheeseball backlash began. I would hear all these people, fans of Mayer, argue that he is really not a pop star. He is really a blues guitarist. And allegedly a really good one. And for a second I believed it, in fact I almost left an FYE with a John Mayer LP because the guy who worked there helped me find a Pet Shop Boys import which led to a really smart discussion about new wave bands I'd never heard of and wanted to download when I got home was a JM fan and he almost convinced me to buy Heavier Things. Almost. Sorry for that run on sentence. Onward.

Then I start reading John Mayer articles and I see the same thing I saw with Jenny Love; the writer always bringing up how the dude is a balls out thrashing riffing rip roaring blues guitarist.

His third record gives us the single "Waiting on the World to Change" which won a Grammy for Best Male Pop Vocalist. Quite petulantly I rest my case.

Then he disappeared for awhile, and started dating Jessica Simpson Sexual Napalm and hanging out with Pete Wentz and he emerged with Travis Barker style full sleeve tattoos and Tyler Durden hair. It was then my dislike turned in to downright loathing, but two things very quickly made all the animosity go away. One was the preposterous things he said in interviews. I didn't read the Playboy one, but the Rolling Stone article was enough to make me want to choke him sadistically.

The second of course, are his guitar faces.

An Open Letter To James Franco:

James, I'd like to consider us peers. Granted I have never been called the next Andy Warhol like you have, and unlike you my short stories have never been read by anyone other than me, but I'm a writer. You're a writer. I think this gives me the liberty to speak freely with you, alright?

General Hospital has been a guilty pleasure of mine for 15 years. I started to watch it my junior year in high school for one storyline: the relationship of Sonny Corinthos & Brenda Barrett. Vanessa Marcil, who played Brenda, hasn't been on the show since 2004 but needless to say I've continued to watch loyally regardless of her departure. I am invested in General Hospital. When word officially broke about a week and a half ago that Marcil would be reprising her role as Brenda, I was geeking out to say the least.

And then you went ahead and fucked it up for me.

You, James Franco.

I'm sure you know why.
It's because of your character on the show.
The dreaded Franco.



I know soap operas are a genre of television that most people would consider lowbrow, but trust me when I say this: you, James Franco the Golden Globe winner, take this show down several notches.

I know when you first came on last summer to play Franco you said you were just having fun. "Experimenting." You said it was performance art. You also said your stint as Franco would be only for a few months. So why are you plaguing my show with your shitty presences once again?

For those of you who aren't familiar with the character, some background information for you. James, feel free to skip this part, you already know all of this:

James Franco played Franco on General Hospital the summer of 2009. The character is an elusive Parisian artist who uses murder scenes as inspiration. Because of his obsession with death, he wants to work with someone who he considers the greatest "artist" in death, Jason Morgan of General Hospital. Franco does everything he can to get Jason’s attention and then attempts a hilariously awful and badly acted game of cat & mouse before he leaves with the threat that he is not done with Jason yet.

Here is Franco in action.




I know you fancy yourself an artist too, I saw that Cribs episode in 2000 of Marla Sokoloff's house where she proudly displayed the artwork of her boyfriend James Franco above her bed. I know you moved to New York to go to film school and you're off to Yale for your PhD. And if Jeffrey Deitch wants to talk about you and Warhol in the same breath, so be it, who am I to criticize? I get it. I don't have a problem with any of this.


Here's what I do have a problem with.



The video on this link, to start with. I know, you being on the show is straight up laughable, but do you think you can manage to keep a straight face while you discuss the utterly absurd story with the interviewer? Also, the clincher is the wild rumors that the character of Franco will be affianced to my beloved Brenda Barret.



What the hell are you doing? I used to think you were different than those other Hollywood types. I loved you on Freaks & Geeks. Daniel Desario almost trumped Jordan Catalano for me. I thought when you went to film school and applied to grad school you were serious about continuing your education and mastering your craft as an actor, artist, writer, etc. After you broke out in Milk & Pineapple Express, I read you turned down decent film roles because education and art was more important for you. But now, because of this General Hospital garbage (that "garbage" would be your portrayal of Franco) you're just like the rest of those celebrities who get bored and work on side projects which only get the attention they do because they're famous.

Zooey Deschanel's band She & Him comes to mind....or worse, Scarlet Johansson imitating Tom Waits. Kelly Osbourne putting out a dance record comes to mind. I'm sure irritating wenches like Sean Penn & Bono like to think people listen to them ramble on about whatever cause they're masturbating to this month because their prose and credibility is so riveting, but I assure you, it's not. I doubt you want people to experience your "art" simply because you're a famous celebrity.

Go to school. Bang lots of ridiculously hot women. Hang out with Seth Rogen. Write your stories. But if you're going to rip off Kalup Linzy and incorporate his original ideas and work in to the storyline on GH, be prepared to be considered the Kelly Osbourne of the art world. Also, do us a favor and leave General Hospital out of your catalog of work in the future. You're bringing us down.


PS- I can't believe for a second I let Daniel Desario replace Jordan Catalano in my heart. It makes me sick.

Systematic Tomfoolery

After Kelly Bensimone's meltdown in the Virgin Islands I thought it was in bad taste to make fun of her because she is clearly not mentally stable and it's not right to make fun of someone in that position. I've never really liked Kelly, she seems like a spoiled bitch. Originally, I thought Kelly had a Rx pill popping problem. Then I thought maybe she had Asperger's because she is the most awkward person on TV. Then I thought maybe she had some sort of psychological disorder. I was under the impression she needed professional help. Now after seeing her on the reunion show, I just think she absolutely sucks and plays dumb as a defense mechanism. I'm leaning toward thinking she's a stupid asshole.




Andy Cohen basically put the smack down on Ramona and Bethenny's interruptions so Kelly could voice her side of the story. Then she vehemently insisted that Bravo "forced" her to go on the trip, and tried to infer her agent encouraged her to go, too. With the networks reputation at stake, Andy—the Senior VP of Production and Programming—had to cut her off to tell her that what she was saying was completely untrue. Kelly, wack job that she is, kept insisting that she was, in fact, forced to attend Ramona's girls only vacay. This was uncomfortably debated back and forth for a minute or so. Now, while I am sure the network holds its personalities to contractual obligations, I do not think anyone was forced to go to St John. LuAnn and Jill both did not go on the trip, this indicates that there was no coercion on Bravo's part.



The more she babbles the less sense she makes. It's so frustrating to hear her speak because she makes no sense. None whatsoever. It's got to be infuriating to the people who are obligated to be on TV with her.



Moreover, she's one of those women who whines like a little bitch when things aren't going her way. She pretends to be innocent and shy and attacked all the time. What's worse is she's one of those infuriating women who brags about not wanting to be friends with woman, like that's a good thing.



Oh oh! Despite being a misogynist, she keeps saying that she expects the other women to "celebrate who she is." Ehh, what does that mean? Basically she wants to be the center of attention, but really has no way to grab the attention because the demographic for this show isn't "straight men who think she's hot."



I happen to be Bravo's target demographic for this show, so allow me to fix the mess they've created.

1. Kelly & Danielle Staub need to go. They need to protect their inevitably screwed up children, these shows are getting a little too TLC Intervention for my taste.

2. Hold back on the psychosis a bit. No one is really watching the show to see complete psychotic breakdowns from deranged sociopaths or really haggard and tawdry stripper pole antics starring someones 50 year old mother.

3. Get Dina back into rotation.



4. Give Ramona and Sonja their own show and spin it like a real life AbFab. This certainly doesn't seem difficult to accomplish, as they have very vibrant, nutty personalities anyways. They are the most entertaining two and definitely are the best to watch.



"Turtle time..."





Kelly, I know you're reading this, why wouldn't you be? If you don't like the position you're put in on the show, by all means, LEAVE! Do us all a favor.

My eyes! My eyes!

I'm not sure if any of you have seen the extremely revolting and NSFW nudie photos of Danielle Staub- I'm sorry I did. They're linked all over the internet and trust me, I did you a favor by not showing the ones of her "O" face. They're gnarly. And she leaked them herself! Proof this broad is extremely delusional.




I'm over Danielle. She is a fast and furious crazy train with no destination in sight, she just keeps on going.

I can feel myself getting dumber every minute that passes as I watch this garbage. I feel like I have to read Middlemarch or Finnegans Wake to counteract the stupidity I have endured while sitting on the couch, mouth agape, wondering how it's possible this haggard lady truly believe the bile she spews.

You could ask me why I watch this stuff but I don't have a good reply for you. I'd rather take the physical challenge and attempt to root through your peanut butter filled nostrils for a flag while I try to win an all expense paid trip to Disney World.

Also, I am convinced the producers of these shows get off on grossing the audience out.



It reminds me of my health teacher in high school and the satisfied look she would get on her face when she would show us girls pictures of scabies infested dicks as a means to scare us away from having sex.

So last night we saw the conclusion to Dina Manzo & Danielle's cat fight in Chakra. It ended with shouting, finger pointing, and Dina muttering "Fuck you you stupid crazy bitch," under her breath as she left the restaurant. As a local Jersey girl, I can assure you this goodbye is the norm around here. Nothing shocking here.



Then we saw Danielle pull out her mother goose bifocals as she read an email Dina sent her to her 'friends' who hang on to every word. And why shouldn't they? Danielle's interpretation of the events at Chakra are....interesting to say the least. For one, they're nothing like what we, the viewers who witnessed it with our own eyes, saw transpire. And two, Danielle recounts the event as though she has a soliloquy in community theater. Dramatic pauses, hand motions, blurting out, "Yes! With the hands!" in reference to her hand motions, and she gives Dina a fake Madonna british accent. Seriously.






NOW we get to see Danielle find her sexy side. See, her ex boyfriend Steve, the balding dough boy who claimed to be 26 who looked 46, allegedly stole her confidence when they broke up. So instead of getting a haircut and new lipgloss, or new jeans they way most girls do when they want to feel sexy, Danielle decides to empower women by showing them how she works a pole.



"Always engage...then suggest...."

That's probably a useful tip to any budding stripper but coming from Danielle, it's just nauseating. It doesn't help her that she sounds like she has marshmallows lodged in her throat.



Speaking of being lodged in Danielle's throat, why is this geezer on every episode? At first I didn't care about him one way or the other but I hope he is benefiting from Danielle's bullshit and hanging out with her is paying off for him somehow. He threw dollar bills at her, for christ sake, when she needed a confidence boost. He stood by her side in case Dina or Chris Manzo attempted to murder Danielle in public while being filmed for national television audiences too.



Then we cut to Danielle in a Tweety bird voice say that when she was dancing, she got $20, $50, and $100 bills thrown at her, not singles. Right, because the porn and stripper world is the one place in the last two decades inflation works backwards. I thought when Grandma was dancing, valuable currency in this country were exotic spices and beans. I'll have to consult my civics textbook from third grade.


Next week, the show has a doctor referring to Danielle's "square tit" as a "deformity" and the camera shows a heaping eyeful of underboob.

I don't know how much more I can take.

Phoebe Buffay said it best.

My Religion Is You

This Gaga song was recorded for The Fame Monster and was omitted from the LP, apparently Teeth replaced it (???) and it was recently leaked...




Rodney 'Dorkchild' Jerkins produced it. I think it could have been a hit, and why it was scrapped over Teeth is beyond me.

Gosh, I hope Michael Bay is reading this!

Heidi Montag apparently filed for legal separation today in L.A.

My first thought when I saw this picture was...



People still wear black Uggs?

Nice aviator style sunglasses, Heidi! They convey the privacy you so yearn for. Don't worry, nobody thinks you called the paparazzi yourself on your way to the court house, really. There there..


Wow, this photo op seems to be every paparazzo's dream come true. I mean, here was Heidi Montag just sitting next to a little pond, looking sad and confused, trying to make sense of her scattered thoughts about her destructive marriage when a photographer happened to find her and capture the moment for the entire world to see.



People still wear velour running suits? Wait! You think these pictures are suspicious, maybe even staged? You don't think they're actually "candid"? Surely you jest!



Gosh Jen, I don't know what to do. I've never been more confused in my whole life...




Jen Bunney touches Heidi's arm gently and says:
Heidi, I am here for you. You can always count on me...

Rumor has it this is all a stunt to promote Heidi & Jen Bunney's desperate reality show (shocker!) which so help me God I will not watch.

Heidi is a train wreck I love to make fun of, but yuck. I have never liked that skank Jen Bunney.

New Gaga

So finally the Alejandro video was released:




I love it, I like it better than Telephone. Telephone was clever but a little too campy for my taste. Anyway I don't know jack shit about art or anything, but I think Lady Gaga is an artist and for once, it's nice to understand the inspiration behind her work. I mean, I know it's not a coincidence there is a barbed wire wrapped heart with a nail driven through it on a pillow in the beginning of the video. That is directly influenced by The Real World London's Neil and the valentine he got from his then-girlfriend Chrys.

I even remember Portishead's "Sour Times" was the song during that segment.


I'm not the only person who remembers that, right?


I keep looking for a video clip of it online but youtube is worthless. Now I'm reobsessed with Neil from The Real World London.

Here is his amusing website.

Lesbian Sex On "The Real L Word" Show Won't Be "Trashy"

Oh thank the baby Jeezus! The last thing I'd want to see on The L Word is trashy hot lesbian sex!



So on June 20th Showtime is airing Ilene Chaiken's new series The Real L Word. I watched a snippit of it on Showtime and apparently it's going to be a reality show about the girls who inspired the characters on The L Word. My first thought when I discovered this was "There is a girl in the world who is based on Shane?!"

::head explodes::

Then after seeing a clip online and examining the poster for the butchest looking lady, I furrowed my brow, crinkled my nose, and deduced rather unremarkably that this little girl:



Is the inspiration behind this:



Shane McCutcheon. The androgynous gender bending love of my life. It does not make any sense.

....Anyway. The New York Times says the first few episodes of the reality L Word spinoff are surprisingly chaste. Ilene Chaiken says, "I didn't want to put forward a bunch of trashy lesbians."

The Times goes on to say:

"It didn't make sense to me to cast women who were only comfortable doing the show if we could show them having explicit sex," said Robert Greenblatt, Showtime's president for entertainment. Ms. Chaiken confirmed that Mr. Greenblatt never sought assurances of prurience. "There was never a conversation about, ‘Can you promise me someones going to have sex on camera, or use this word, or get involved in this kind of activity?' " She promises that as the series progresses, the women get more comfortable having sex on-screen."

Okay, great, so um, basically what you're trying to say is that we shouldn't expect sex on camera, BUT, we'll see sex on camera.

Whatever, I'll be watching it regardless.

But if that little oaf is the Shane character, it'll blow my mind.

5 Things I'm Perplexed By Today

Alright, here are 5 things I am marveling at today.

1. This tumblr account. I have no exposure to The Bieb at all, in fact, I had no clue who he was until all the obsessive hatred toward The Bieb began on Facebook, etc. Point being, he doesn't really bother me, I blame his publicist and his manager. I always knew that The Bieb had an oddly familiar hair-cut and now I know why! He's channeling full-on bull dyke.

2. People forgetting that Tom Cruise is a hot mess who called Matt Lauer "glib" and bashed Brooke Shields for promoting anti-d's while speaking out on PPD (even more shocking-- I found the "glib" clip on YouTube and after re-watching it for the first time in several years I agree with a LOT of what Tom Cruise is saying. I read this book recently and I agree with almost all of what he is saying....Tom Cruise! I can't believe it!)

I'm hip to his game. He took a few years off of being in the spotlight after his public berzerker fest, and then he got that bit role in Tropic Thunder. And everyyyyone thought he was soooooo funny. So last night, we got this:



But I'm not falling it for it, Tom. I'll never forget who you really are:




3. The fact that I missed out on a Sweet Valley High jackpot.



I went to a carnival in Cedar Grove yesterday and walked by this table of books. They had half a dozen Sweet Valley High's. I shoulda bought some. I am kicking myself!

4. Now, I know mega-genuis Kelly Bensimon wouldn't approve because she had time to create this video last week to speak out against systematic bullying...



BUT I am totally gloating over this tidbit that hit the blogs yesterday after that bitch Jill Zarin posted on her Facebook that her home address was posted and she has been receiving threats and hate mail from "haters." Under normal circumstances I would be really grossed out. Over the last few years several stories regarding bullying and cyber-bashing have surfaced in the media, all of them resulting in the deaths of teenagers. But this is different altogether. Jill Zarin doesn't necessarily deserve the hate mail being sent to her home, but she put herself out there like a raging bitch, on film no less. People are responding.

I feel like throwing this in here for the hell of it.



5. Miley Cyrus in full-on baby whore mode.



She's still a minor with a Disney contract, right? Who on earth is seeing her in concert?

Cupcake Shop has a "bad day," calls customer a "fat c***"

Maybe they shouldn't be charging $8 for a G.D. cupcake! Crumb, a North Carolina bakery, referred to a customer who was offended by the shop's tag line "So Good It'll Make Fat People Cry" a 'fat cunt' on their Twitter account.

Needless to say, some people found this offensive and complained, sparking backlash chatter across the interwebs.


A lame apology was issued once the shit hit the fan:

Regarding our slogan, let us begin by apologizing to you, Diana, and everyone else we have offended. This was never our intention. The tag line was meant as a joke and nothing more. We never meant to hurt anyone. The tag line is no longer in use and the tweets you found offensive have been removed.

Today, even before all of this happened, was a really bad day for both of us. The stress of opening a small business and dealing with all the details has been getting to us. None of this is fair to you, but it’s the truth and we owe you that.

Please forgive our insensitivity. We are truly sorry.

Sincerely,
Carrie and David


I'm more offended by how un-clever the slogan is. It makes no sense whatsoever and it's boring. You'd think the cupcakes would make fat people ecstatic. I think the only thing about this bakery's cupcakes that will make you cry is that apparently they cost $8.

Lame.

Cheap Hooker, Cheap Trick, same diff.

She said it, we didn't.

J Bob

I guess I have to admit I watch the Hills if I am going to post about it.
And also, it's riveting spin-off, The City.

It drives me insane that I waste brain cells on these shows because I know they're completely scripted and the "drama" is fake. But this season on both shows I have decided to look at them with new perspective with this knowledge.

On the Hills we have Speidi, who make their living off of pretending this garbage is real and in conclusion their lives and 'reputations' have essentially been soiled for life because of it.

On The City we have the very reputable Elle magazine and it's very real creative director Joe Zee.



His 'employee' socialite Olivia Palermo makes it a weekly habit to make Joe Zee look like a blithering idiot.



Olivia is often given direct orders to do, you know, her job, and she thanks her superiors and lets them know she'll take their suggestions under advisement, then she ignores them and continues to make them look like idiots. If it were real, it'd be flabbergasting, but since it's fake, it's merely questionable. You'd think someone like Joe Zee would mind looking like a full on retard every week, but he just continues to bic his pumpkin head and wear skinny ties.


Then we have this.



Whitney Port used to be cute but now she just gives off this vibe that she smells like dirty underwear and ass. And once I get that vibe about someone it is impossible to shake. She disgusts me.

This week she found a dress in a magazine covered in feathers, it looked like something Christian Siriano did on Project Runway, um, 2 1/2 years ago. Port went on to tell her friend that she wanted to design something like that. Isn't the kitsch word of the year "fashion forward"? What a lame copycat. Perhaps Port needs to watch Anna Wintour on 60 Minutes from 5/3/2010 describing that mediocrity is exemplified by designers who steal from other designers...and it should be noted Christian Siriano stole 85% of his aesthetic from Vivienne Westwood.

Anyway, Whitney threw a pity party for herself when Joe Zee and Anne Slowey gave her a critique that a million of no-name designers would have paid cash money for. I'd like to add that Anne Slowey redeemed herself when she told Whiteny that she wasn't a "real designer yet." In case you're wondering what Anne Slowey needed redemption for, you remember Stylista, right?


The ONLY person on The City who seems to resemble a thinking humanoid with a brain that functions properly is Erin.




NOW ON TO THE POINT OF THIS ENTIRE POST (I went off on a bit of a tangent re:The Shity)...

Anyone else think Justin Bobby was totally hot playing drums in his band on The Hills this week? Yes. Justin Bobby. The boring hair stylist who burps on dates. This guy:



So this week on the Hills, the episode starts out with Kristin & the pointless extra "Stacie The Bartender" discussing how they have no men in their lives to plow them. Exciting stuff.

Cut to Lo randomly having lunch with Brody Jenner's new prop, McKaela, and giving her false advice on how to handle Brody. What she tells McKaela is to be nice to Kristin and be wary of Brody's motives. What she should have told her was that once the cameras stop rolling, neither Brody nor Kristin will be giving her the time of day but alas, the Wilmer Valdarama wanna-be Frankie will be diving in nose first for sloppy seconds. Then Lo suggests hooking McKaela up with a job at her fake job, Smashbox. Um, Lo works for the Hills. So unless McKaela wants to be key grip, this is more pointless advice.


Audrina went to the Viper Room to check out bands for her pretend-job at Epic Records and behold, we get the return of Justin Bobby. Audrina brings Lo & Stephanie Pratt with her and they all don "rocker clothes." Lo and Stephanie can't believe that Justin Bobby is actually in a band. Lo awesomely says, with not a touch of irony, "I always thought that was a joke?!" Heh. Then Audrina wonders if she should stay or go since seeing Justin Bobby (who probably can't even see her) is "really uncomfortable."

Seriously? Shut it, lollipop with double D cans, this is all you're good for.

Post concert, the three girls talk to an unusually cordial Justin Bobby, who has cut his hair. Then he drives off in the same yellow 1950's style car used in American Graffiti.

Nothing else worth mentioning happened in this craptacular episode of the Hills except Justin Bobby looked hot pounding away on his drum set.

At this point I say they should bring back Enzo, Speidi's 4 year old neighbor who showed us all that anyone can be on this show. Either that or somehow insert Kelly Cutrone into the mix to save this shit.