An Open Letter To James Franco:

James, I'd like to consider us peers. Granted I have never been called the next Andy Warhol like you have, and unlike you my short stories have never been read by anyone other than me, but I'm a writer. You're a writer. I think this gives me the liberty to speak freely with you, alright?

General Hospital has been a guilty pleasure of mine for 15 years. I started to watch it my junior year in high school for one storyline: the relationship of Sonny Corinthos & Brenda Barrett. Vanessa Marcil, who played Brenda, hasn't been on the show since 2004 but needless to say I've continued to watch loyally regardless of her departure. I am invested in General Hospital. When word officially broke about a week and a half ago that Marcil would be reprising her role as Brenda, I was geeking out to say the least.

And then you went ahead and fucked it up for me.

You, James Franco.

I'm sure you know why.
It's because of your character on the show.
The dreaded Franco.



I know soap operas are a genre of television that most people would consider lowbrow, but trust me when I say this: you, James Franco the Golden Globe winner, take this show down several notches.

I know when you first came on last summer to play Franco you said you were just having fun. "Experimenting." You said it was performance art. You also said your stint as Franco would be only for a few months. So why are you plaguing my show with your shitty presences once again?

For those of you who aren't familiar with the character, some background information for you. James, feel free to skip this part, you already know all of this:

James Franco played Franco on General Hospital the summer of 2009. The character is an elusive Parisian artist who uses murder scenes as inspiration. Because of his obsession with death, he wants to work with someone who he considers the greatest "artist" in death, Jason Morgan of General Hospital. Franco does everything he can to get Jason’s attention and then attempts a hilariously awful and badly acted game of cat & mouse before he leaves with the threat that he is not done with Jason yet.

Here is Franco in action.




I know you fancy yourself an artist too, I saw that Cribs episode in 2000 of Marla Sokoloff's house where she proudly displayed the artwork of her boyfriend James Franco above her bed. I know you moved to New York to go to film school and you're off to Yale for your PhD. And if Jeffrey Deitch wants to talk about you and Warhol in the same breath, so be it, who am I to criticize? I get it. I don't have a problem with any of this.


Here's what I do have a problem with.



The video on this link, to start with. I know, you being on the show is straight up laughable, but do you think you can manage to keep a straight face while you discuss the utterly absurd story with the interviewer? Also, the clincher is the wild rumors that the character of Franco will be affianced to my beloved Brenda Barret.



What the hell are you doing? I used to think you were different than those other Hollywood types. I loved you on Freaks & Geeks. Daniel Desario almost trumped Jordan Catalano for me. I thought when you went to film school and applied to grad school you were serious about continuing your education and mastering your craft as an actor, artist, writer, etc. After you broke out in Milk & Pineapple Express, I read you turned down decent film roles because education and art was more important for you. But now, because of this General Hospital garbage (that "garbage" would be your portrayal of Franco) you're just like the rest of those celebrities who get bored and work on side projects which only get the attention they do because they're famous.

Zooey Deschanel's band She & Him comes to mind....or worse, Scarlet Johansson imitating Tom Waits. Kelly Osbourne putting out a dance record comes to mind. I'm sure irritating wenches like Sean Penn & Bono like to think people listen to them ramble on about whatever cause they're masturbating to this month because their prose and credibility is so riveting, but I assure you, it's not. I doubt you want people to experience your "art" simply because you're a famous celebrity.

Go to school. Bang lots of ridiculously hot women. Hang out with Seth Rogen. Write your stories. But if you're going to rip off Kalup Linzy and incorporate his original ideas and work in to the storyline on GH, be prepared to be considered the Kelly Osbourne of the art world. Also, do us a favor and leave General Hospital out of your catalog of work in the future. You're bringing us down.


PS- I can't believe for a second I let Daniel Desario replace Jordan Catalano in my heart. It makes me sick.

Cupcake Shop has a "bad day," calls customer a "fat c***"

Maybe they shouldn't be charging $8 for a G.D. cupcake! Crumb, a North Carolina bakery, referred to a customer who was offended by the shop's tag line "So Good It'll Make Fat People Cry" a 'fat cunt' on their Twitter account.

Needless to say, some people found this offensive and complained, sparking backlash chatter across the interwebs.


A lame apology was issued once the shit hit the fan:

Regarding our slogan, let us begin by apologizing to you, Diana, and everyone else we have offended. This was never our intention. The tag line was meant as a joke and nothing more. We never meant to hurt anyone. The tag line is no longer in use and the tweets you found offensive have been removed.

Today, even before all of this happened, was a really bad day for both of us. The stress of opening a small business and dealing with all the details has been getting to us. None of this is fair to you, but it’s the truth and we owe you that.

Please forgive our insensitivity. We are truly sorry.

Sincerely,
Carrie and David


I'm more offended by how un-clever the slogan is. It makes no sense whatsoever and it's boring. You'd think the cupcakes would make fat people ecstatic. I think the only thing about this bakery's cupcakes that will make you cry is that apparently they cost $8.

Lame.

J Bob

I guess I have to admit I watch the Hills if I am going to post about it.
And also, it's riveting spin-off, The City.

It drives me insane that I waste brain cells on these shows because I know they're completely scripted and the "drama" is fake. But this season on both shows I have decided to look at them with new perspective with this knowledge.

On the Hills we have Speidi, who make their living off of pretending this garbage is real and in conclusion their lives and 'reputations' have essentially been soiled for life because of it.

On The City we have the very reputable Elle magazine and it's very real creative director Joe Zee.



His 'employee' socialite Olivia Palermo makes it a weekly habit to make Joe Zee look like a blithering idiot.



Olivia is often given direct orders to do, you know, her job, and she thanks her superiors and lets them know she'll take their suggestions under advisement, then she ignores them and continues to make them look like idiots. If it were real, it'd be flabbergasting, but since it's fake, it's merely questionable. You'd think someone like Joe Zee would mind looking like a full on retard every week, but he just continues to bic his pumpkin head and wear skinny ties.


Then we have this.



Whitney Port used to be cute but now she just gives off this vibe that she smells like dirty underwear and ass. And once I get that vibe about someone it is impossible to shake. She disgusts me.

This week she found a dress in a magazine covered in feathers, it looked like something Christian Siriano did on Project Runway, um, 2 1/2 years ago. Port went on to tell her friend that she wanted to design something like that. Isn't the kitsch word of the year "fashion forward"? What a lame copycat. Perhaps Port needs to watch Anna Wintour on 60 Minutes from 5/3/2010 describing that mediocrity is exemplified by designers who steal from other designers...and it should be noted Christian Siriano stole 85% of his aesthetic from Vivienne Westwood.

Anyway, Whitney threw a pity party for herself when Joe Zee and Anne Slowey gave her a critique that a million of no-name designers would have paid cash money for. I'd like to add that Anne Slowey redeemed herself when she told Whiteny that she wasn't a "real designer yet." In case you're wondering what Anne Slowey needed redemption for, you remember Stylista, right?


The ONLY person on The City who seems to resemble a thinking humanoid with a brain that functions properly is Erin.




NOW ON TO THE POINT OF THIS ENTIRE POST (I went off on a bit of a tangent re:The Shity)...

Anyone else think Justin Bobby was totally hot playing drums in his band on The Hills this week? Yes. Justin Bobby. The boring hair stylist who burps on dates. This guy:



So this week on the Hills, the episode starts out with Kristin & the pointless extra "Stacie The Bartender" discussing how they have no men in their lives to plow them. Exciting stuff.

Cut to Lo randomly having lunch with Brody Jenner's new prop, McKaela, and giving her false advice on how to handle Brody. What she tells McKaela is to be nice to Kristin and be wary of Brody's motives. What she should have told her was that once the cameras stop rolling, neither Brody nor Kristin will be giving her the time of day but alas, the Wilmer Valdarama wanna-be Frankie will be diving in nose first for sloppy seconds. Then Lo suggests hooking McKaela up with a job at her fake job, Smashbox. Um, Lo works for the Hills. So unless McKaela wants to be key grip, this is more pointless advice.


Audrina went to the Viper Room to check out bands for her pretend-job at Epic Records and behold, we get the return of Justin Bobby. Audrina brings Lo & Stephanie Pratt with her and they all don "rocker clothes." Lo and Stephanie can't believe that Justin Bobby is actually in a band. Lo awesomely says, with not a touch of irony, "I always thought that was a joke?!" Heh. Then Audrina wonders if she should stay or go since seeing Justin Bobby (who probably can't even see her) is "really uncomfortable."

Seriously? Shut it, lollipop with double D cans, this is all you're good for.

Post concert, the three girls talk to an unusually cordial Justin Bobby, who has cut his hair. Then he drives off in the same yellow 1950's style car used in American Graffiti.

Nothing else worth mentioning happened in this craptacular episode of the Hills except Justin Bobby looked hot pounding away on his drum set.

At this point I say they should bring back Enzo, Speidi's 4 year old neighbor who showed us all that anyone can be on this show. Either that or somehow insert Kelly Cutrone into the mix to save this shit.

Finger, Throat, Barf

Dude, I get it. I get that women have historically had a hard time achieving emotional independence and self-actualization due to the sexist nature of society. But at the very least, women should kinda sorta try out that whole autonomy thing a little bit before they get married, or, seriously involved in a relationship that they’re not emotionally mature enough to handle. Just a thought.

Then we get that pile of garbage Eat Pray Love.



No, I never read the book so I can't say for sure if it's the worst memoir ever written, but my hunch is that is sucks. I did watch the memoir's author, that self absorbed Elizabeth Gilbert, give a speech at the TED conference and it was easily one of the worst videos I have ever watched. I'll share it with you here so you too can wonder how you can get those 19 minutes back.

From what I've been told, Eat Pray Love is the true story of Elizabeth Gilbert, and it's about her journey as a confused self involved wife who leaves her husband to go on a god damned vacation in search of herself. So naturally Julia Roberts is the perfect choice to play her in the movie.




LOVE the poster. It features Julia Roberts impishly enjoying some dick ice cream on an Italian park bench because she is finding herself, while some nuns also enjoy ice cream, probably because the word PRAY is in the title. By jove you've done it again, Poster Masters.


Apparently I am not the only one around here who thinks this movie looks completely unbearable. Someone else out there fixed the poster to recreate what sort of image this movie really portrays, someone else has the keen observation skills like me (don't you dig my writing skills? I'm like Elizabeth Gilbert! Bad at writing and obsessed with myself!) Well done:



Also, I am not sure if this is real or not, but this book (while probably equally self-involved) sounds more entertaining:

Somebody is very mad at Kobe

I can't stop looking at these incredible pictures of Kobe Bryant! They make no sense and yet I am plagued with questions!



Who the heck did Kobe piss off? Was it just the stylist that day or is there something deeper here? Was he trying to channel Grace Jones or was that accidental?



Oh, but there is more....






My theory is that whoever produced the initial photo shoot was avenging the alleged rape of Aunt Grace: