Pillsbury Dough Face

There are exactly two things I like about John Mayer.

1. Reading interviews he has done or quotes he has quipped that validate my humble opinion that he is a raging dickwad.

2. His guitar face.



I have never liked John Mayer. I remember when "I wanna run through the halls of my high school, I wanna scream at the toppa my lungs!" came out and I thought it would be the pop song of the summer that adult contemporary fans would love. You know, a song along par with "Breathless" by the Corrs. "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis. Or something edgy, like "Clocks" by Coldplay! I figured he'd be a one hit wonder, at best, and that would be that.

Then that atrocity "Your Body Is A Wonderland" came out and all bets were off. My revolting roommate at the time who was a raging slut loved this song, and would play it every weekend while she reminisced about the last random dong she had taken inside of her. So that's one thing. The other is the lyric "your bubblegum tongue." I'm a very visual person, and I tend to see imagery in a very cartoonish style at times, so imagining John Mayer chewing on my slutty roommates tongue like a wad of Hubba Bubba grossed me out, to put it mildly.



So his first record comes out, we get the class reunion song, bubble gum tongue song, and maybe one other single on the charts and it's decidedd: this dough boy is the king of easy listening. No big deal. A lot of musicians make a decent living this way. Barry Manilow, for example. Or Peabo Bryson.

But NOOOO! John Mayer now has to tell the world incessently from that point on in 2002 until about 5 minutes ago that's not his deal. That's not his sound. This man is a blues guitarist! He swears to God!!

I ponder this and I wonder about those other people from the celebrity past who has insisted to be known as one thing when we, their public, know them as what they really are.

Perfect example: Jennifer Love Hewitt.



How many articles did you read on her in the late 90's or early 00's where she'd swear that people only referred to her as "Love?" I can think of several dozen. The journalist would be like, "We met up with Jennifer Love Hewitt inside the lobby of the Chateau Marmont (but really, those closest to her refer to her as only Love)..." and seriously? No they did not. This was a poorly executed publicity thing where you know Jenny's agent was confirming an interview with Sassy or something and saying that her rider included diet coke, sun chips, and a mention in the article to please please please call her Love.

I'm not buying it!

Another example: Puff Daddy.



First he was Puff Daddy, and to his friends, Puff. Then he was on trial for attempted murder and J Lo dumped him, and to make the public forget that he somehow got off without a scratch while Shyne took the heat for him, he changes his nickname to P. Diddy. He claims it's because that is what Biggie called him, but hello? Nobody asked you where the origin of the nickname came from, we merely wondered why you changed it. It's not going to make us forget you were on trial for attempted murder.

Then he switched it to Diddy. How do I know this? I think he held a press conference about it or something. Or he made an announcement before an episode of Making The Band, I'm not sure. Anyway. You're name is Sean Combs. Stick with that, it's the nicest sounding name of all.




John Mayer decided to show us all that he was a heavy rock 'n roller with his second album so he cleverly named it Heavier Things. Singles included "Bigger Than My Body" which is a dorky song to say the least and "Daughters" which is a ballad about birthing babies. Heavy.

It was about this time around that the John Mayer Is A Cheeseball backlash began. I would hear all these people, fans of Mayer, argue that he is really not a pop star. He is really a blues guitarist. And allegedly a really good one. And for a second I believed it, in fact I almost left an FYE with a John Mayer LP because the guy who worked there helped me find a Pet Shop Boys import which led to a really smart discussion about new wave bands I'd never heard of and wanted to download when I got home was a JM fan and he almost convinced me to buy Heavier Things. Almost. Sorry for that run on sentence. Onward.

Then I start reading John Mayer articles and I see the same thing I saw with Jenny Love; the writer always bringing up how the dude is a balls out thrashing riffing rip roaring blues guitarist.

His third record gives us the single "Waiting on the World to Change" which won a Grammy for Best Male Pop Vocalist. Quite petulantly I rest my case.

Then he disappeared for awhile, and started dating Jessica Simpson Sexual Napalm and hanging out with Pete Wentz and he emerged with Travis Barker style full sleeve tattoos and Tyler Durden hair. It was then my dislike turned in to downright loathing, but two things very quickly made all the animosity go away. One was the preposterous things he said in interviews. I didn't read the Playboy one, but the Rolling Stone article was enough to make me want to choke him sadistically.

The second of course, are his guitar faces.

An Open Letter To James Franco:

James, I'd like to consider us peers. Granted I have never been called the next Andy Warhol like you have, and unlike you my short stories have never been read by anyone other than me, but I'm a writer. You're a writer. I think this gives me the liberty to speak freely with you, alright?

General Hospital has been a guilty pleasure of mine for 15 years. I started to watch it my junior year in high school for one storyline: the relationship of Sonny Corinthos & Brenda Barrett. Vanessa Marcil, who played Brenda, hasn't been on the show since 2004 but needless to say I've continued to watch loyally regardless of her departure. I am invested in General Hospital. When word officially broke about a week and a half ago that Marcil would be reprising her role as Brenda, I was geeking out to say the least.

And then you went ahead and fucked it up for me.

You, James Franco.

I'm sure you know why.
It's because of your character on the show.
The dreaded Franco.



I know soap operas are a genre of television that most people would consider lowbrow, but trust me when I say this: you, James Franco the Golden Globe winner, take this show down several notches.

I know when you first came on last summer to play Franco you said you were just having fun. "Experimenting." You said it was performance art. You also said your stint as Franco would be only for a few months. So why are you plaguing my show with your shitty presences once again?

For those of you who aren't familiar with the character, some background information for you. James, feel free to skip this part, you already know all of this:

James Franco played Franco on General Hospital the summer of 2009. The character is an elusive Parisian artist who uses murder scenes as inspiration. Because of his obsession with death, he wants to work with someone who he considers the greatest "artist" in death, Jason Morgan of General Hospital. Franco does everything he can to get Jason’s attention and then attempts a hilariously awful and badly acted game of cat & mouse before he leaves with the threat that he is not done with Jason yet.

Here is Franco in action.




I know you fancy yourself an artist too, I saw that Cribs episode in 2000 of Marla Sokoloff's house where she proudly displayed the artwork of her boyfriend James Franco above her bed. I know you moved to New York to go to film school and you're off to Yale for your PhD. And if Jeffrey Deitch wants to talk about you and Warhol in the same breath, so be it, who am I to criticize? I get it. I don't have a problem with any of this.


Here's what I do have a problem with.



The video on this link, to start with. I know, you being on the show is straight up laughable, but do you think you can manage to keep a straight face while you discuss the utterly absurd story with the interviewer? Also, the clincher is the wild rumors that the character of Franco will be affianced to my beloved Brenda Barret.



What the hell are you doing? I used to think you were different than those other Hollywood types. I loved you on Freaks & Geeks. Daniel Desario almost trumped Jordan Catalano for me. I thought when you went to film school and applied to grad school you were serious about continuing your education and mastering your craft as an actor, artist, writer, etc. After you broke out in Milk & Pineapple Express, I read you turned down decent film roles because education and art was more important for you. But now, because of this General Hospital garbage (that "garbage" would be your portrayal of Franco) you're just like the rest of those celebrities who get bored and work on side projects which only get the attention they do because they're famous.

Zooey Deschanel's band She & Him comes to mind....or worse, Scarlet Johansson imitating Tom Waits. Kelly Osbourne putting out a dance record comes to mind. I'm sure irritating wenches like Sean Penn & Bono like to think people listen to them ramble on about whatever cause they're masturbating to this month because their prose and credibility is so riveting, but I assure you, it's not. I doubt you want people to experience your "art" simply because you're a famous celebrity.

Go to school. Bang lots of ridiculously hot women. Hang out with Seth Rogen. Write your stories. But if you're going to rip off Kalup Linzy and incorporate his original ideas and work in to the storyline on GH, be prepared to be considered the Kelly Osbourne of the art world. Also, do us a favor and leave General Hospital out of your catalog of work in the future. You're bringing us down.


PS- I can't believe for a second I let Daniel Desario replace Jordan Catalano in my heart. It makes me sick.

Finger, Throat, Barf

Dude, I get it. I get that women have historically had a hard time achieving emotional independence and self-actualization due to the sexist nature of society. But at the very least, women should kinda sorta try out that whole autonomy thing a little bit before they get married, or, seriously involved in a relationship that they’re not emotionally mature enough to handle. Just a thought.

Then we get that pile of garbage Eat Pray Love.



No, I never read the book so I can't say for sure if it's the worst memoir ever written, but my hunch is that is sucks. I did watch the memoir's author, that self absorbed Elizabeth Gilbert, give a speech at the TED conference and it was easily one of the worst videos I have ever watched. I'll share it with you here so you too can wonder how you can get those 19 minutes back.

From what I've been told, Eat Pray Love is the true story of Elizabeth Gilbert, and it's about her journey as a confused self involved wife who leaves her husband to go on a god damned vacation in search of herself. So naturally Julia Roberts is the perfect choice to play her in the movie.




LOVE the poster. It features Julia Roberts impishly enjoying some dick ice cream on an Italian park bench because she is finding herself, while some nuns also enjoy ice cream, probably because the word PRAY is in the title. By jove you've done it again, Poster Masters.


Apparently I am not the only one around here who thinks this movie looks completely unbearable. Someone else out there fixed the poster to recreate what sort of image this movie really portrays, someone else has the keen observation skills like me (don't you dig my writing skills? I'm like Elizabeth Gilbert! Bad at writing and obsessed with myself!) Well done:



Also, I am not sure if this is real or not, but this book (while probably equally self-involved) sounds more entertaining: